What I've Wanted All Along
by ArmAndLeg
Summary: During a quiet evening at home, Ryo admits to himself what, exactly, he's wanted all along. And it all rolls in Dee's favor.


AN: Well…my first FAKE fanfic. It was only a matter of time before I actually wrote a fic for this series… God, I love it. ^^

Disclaimer: I don't own FAKE at all…though, Ryo and Dee are a lot like a couple of my own characters. o.o;; Maybe that's why I love them so much? 

What I've Wanted All Along

I used to think there was nothing I needed to change about myself. I had friends, I loved my job, and I was happy. Quite a few women wanted me…but I had always felt uncomfortable around them. After all, they all seemed to want me just because I was attractive. I never really thought about why I never had a girlfriend for more than a few months; I just figured I hadn't found the right woman yet.

After all, if I don't love somebody—or, for that matter, seriously like her romantically, then why should I lie to her and myself? I don't want to hurt her feelings; I never really want to, but I'm not going to indulge her and play with her emotions. I'm not going to sit and pretend to be something I'm not—I'd make myself depressed that way.

Then again, I argued with myself, isn't that exactly what I've been doing lately? Haven't I been ignoring what I want, pretending that what I want doesn't exist?

He knows I'm pretending, though. He knows that I want him and only him—but he also knows that I don't want to admit it to myself yet. That's why he keeps pushing; that's why he loves to point out that no matter how much I try to run, he'll always catch me, and he'll only catch me because I _want_ to be caught. And I can't deny it, either, because I do want to get caught by him…

…I just don't want to give in to myself. I don't want to admit to myself that I want to give myself to him; I don't want to admit to myself that I like him, or possibly love him; I don't want to admit to myself that the reason that I've felt uncomfortable around women all my life was because I…because I was…

I couldn't finish that thought. I didn't want to finish that thought. Damnit, why couldn't I? It was just a simple thing—and it was the truth, too. A truth about myself that Dee made me open my eyes to, but I still can't say it to myself. Why couldn't I say it to myself? I don't have to admit it to the world—Dee's made a point of that, already—as long as I admit it to myself…. Right? 

Right. Then why do I constantly block myself from thinking that I might possibly…be unlike everyone else? That I might be different. That I might feel differently about the opposite sex than I should. 

Damnit, I don't want to think about this. I wish Bicky were here right now. He would distract me from these thoughts…which is why I don't like being alone in my apartment anymore. I need distractions, but I don't want to call up Dee and ask for him to come over. That'd be like asking for advances to be put on me that I don't wish to have right now.

After all, he only tends to confuse me more about what I really want and whether or not I've been lying to myself all these years. He made me uncomfortable, but in a way that I liked. Dee was nothing like the women I've dated in the past…not that I had considered dating him.

I shake my head, closing my eyes and cursing at myself. Of course I have considered dating him. The thought crosses my mind every time he's within five feet of me…even more so when he's pulling some sort of move on me. Whenever I feel his lips on mine, I can't help but to feel so much different…so much better than when I had some woman pressing her lips to mine. Taking in a deep breath, I steady myself as I pull myself away from that thought.

I've already gone over how much I don't want to admit how much I want him. I shouldn't want him. It's wrong to want another guy, right? Then again…he was the one who started making passes at me, first. And every time I see him with JJ, my heart breaks a little and I just want to slide through the floor. Dee has someone who wants him, while the one he wants doesn't know what he wants. At least, I've been trying to give off that impression.

But I know what I want. I want Dee; I want to just let go of what society considers wrong or right and admit to myself that I am—

Again, I stop myself short from allowing that thought to finish itself. Why couldn't I just admit that to myself? I've already admitted that I want Dee. I want Dee more than anything.

But I'm not—

Sighing, I pull myself off my couch and head towards my room. I am. I know that I am. I can't deny it to myself anymore. I am…I'm gay. It would explain everything.

But why the hell did I decide to hide it from myself for so long? Because not a single guy made a pass at me? All of a sudden I get reassigned to the 27th precinct and I have Dee after me, not to mention Rose as well. My life was literally turned upside down the second I met Dee. I began questioning myself; I pretty much adopted a kid; I fell in love.

And I haven't told him yet. Bicky knows. He can see it every time I'm around Dee these days, and he doesn't say anything and continues to get in Dee's way on making any progress with me. Did I want to tell Dee that I loved him? Who the hell knew; I'll tell him when I'm damn well and ready, and Dee knows this.

But he keeps pushing. He wants me to admit to him that I want him. He wants me to tell him that I love him, that I'll always love him. It's what he wanted from the start. Knowing that scared me, because he's wanted me from the very second we've met…and I think I've wanted him for almost just as long. 

The phone rings. I almost don't register it, but once I do I dash towards it. I'm hoping it's Dee calling to ask if he can spend the night at my place, even if I don't really want him to be here at the moment. I want to sort out my thoughts, but...

"Yo, Ryo, it's me, Dee."

I smile to myself. He was never one to be formal. "Hey, what's up?" I kept my voice from shaking as best as I could, trying to sound cheerful. 

"Nothing and I'm absolutely fucking bored. Can I come over?" 

I had to laugh to myself at that. Already I was feeling better, and all he had to do was call me. "If you want. Bicky isn't here—he's with Carol tonight."

I could just see Dee's thought process. No Bicky meant a night alone with me. A night alone with me meant finally convincing me that I wanted him, and that I should let him have his way with me. The thing he didn't know was that I already decided I was going to finally give myself to him. "Alright then. I'll be there soon. See ya, man."

"See ya, Dee," I responded, smiling slightly to myself as I hung up the phone. Okay, so maybe I did want him here tonight. It'll make it easier for me to finally admit to him that I want him—that I love him. Sure, I admitted it to myself, but if I didn't admit it to him as soon as possible…I'll put it off and possibly wait too long to tell him.

And I sure as hell didn't want to lose Dee to JJ. I took the time it took for Dee to get to my place to straighten it up a bit. I had been a bit lenient on the whole cleaning-up-after-myself thing. I think Dee was beginning to rub off on me. As I was straightening up the couch I heard the door open and I managed a small smile. "That was fast, Dee."

"I didn't want to keep you waiting for what I had in store for you tonight, Ryo," was his slick reply. I felt myself blush as I turned to see his smirk, his eyes burning with a passion I've only witnessed a few times in the past. Could he possibly know that I've finally decided to give in to him? 

Instead of scowling like I normally would, I managed to smirk back at him. "Really? And what do you have planned, Dee?"

He blinked. He really didn't expect me to respond with anything like that. "Are you feeling well?" he blurted out finally, rushing over to me and placing a cool hand on my forehead. I gulped at our sudden closeness and stared at him. Worry was etched all over his face.

"I'm fine," I whispered, nearly choking out the words. Damn the affect he had on me when he was this close… "I just…decided that…I…" I couldn't finish. Sighing, I looked away in shame, only to find that Dee's strong hand forced me to look back at him.

"What were you gonna say, baby?" he whispered back, his other arm wrapping around my waist. I gulped again, then gathered enough courage to wrap my arms around him, kissing him softly. 

As we pulled away from each other, I looked him in the eyes and gathered enough courage to say what I wanted to say, as strongly as I could for how much my voice was shaking. "I decided to stop lying to myself and admit that I want you—that I—" I paused, but his smile was enough to encourage me, "—that I love you." 

It was that easy. I never knew it really could be that easy. The passion and lust Dee had in his eyes was instantly replaced with love and surprise. He really didn't expect me to say that, did he? "You…love me?" he breathed. 

I nodded. "And I'll be damned if I ever let you go."

"Ryo…I love you, too," Dee whispered, kissing me again, this time with more urgency. I responded to it equally, praying that Bicky wouldn't decide to come home early tonight. I wasn't going to run anymore. I wasn't going to run from myself, and I most certainly wasn't going to run from Dee. The world doesn't have to know what I've decided to do—all that matters is that Dee knows.

I'm glad I finally gave myself what I've wanted all along. 


End file.
